Remember that time I kicked a hole in the wall? That's what I'll say years from now. And I'll laugh. Now I still feel embarrassed. Here's a brief synopsis of what happened: Early last week I was not doing well. Tropical Storm Debbie had kept us inside the house for several days in a row. Lillian (who has reverted to needing help doing EVERYTHING) was giving me a hard time while I was trying to brush her teeth and Rosie was crying in her swing. I reached my boiling point. I excused myself from the situation, closed myself in a bedroom and took a few deep breaths. I was mad at Lilly for making every little thing into a big chore. I was mad at Rosie for needing my attention every second. But mostly I was mad at myself for letting all of that get to me. It was just typical toddler and newborn behavior. I turned to leave the room and calm my girls (both crying now) and kicked the wall on my way out. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllll... I must have got a soft spot (or maybe it was my previous martial arts training?) because my foot went straight through the wall. I was mortified. Once I got the girls settled I sat at my kitchen table and cried. Then I wrote this in my journal:
Today I am struggling with the fear that people will think I'm a bad mom. I can't make Lilly listen to me or get Rosie to stop crying. I don't want to reach out to anyone because I am angry and am embarrassed to let them see my anger. I want to be able to control my kids so badly. But the truth is that God is in control. Even if I completely neglect my children God could turn them into the people I so desperately want them to be. So what does that mean for my parenting? Should I go the easy route and leave the discipline up to God or should I continue to attempt to control them? Neither is really the answer. I need to spend more time praying and trusting God while making the best decisions I can. Exodus 4:11 & 12 says "Who makes a person's mouth? Who decides whether speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear... Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and teach you what to say." God can make my 2 year old hear or not hear. He can make others judge my behavior or be sympathetic. My circumstances have been filtered through His hands.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm trying to trust more and stress less. I am praying that He will teach me what to do and say with my kids. This week has already been so much better. I will probably have to re-learn this lesson several times in my life but hopefully that's the last time I put a hole in the wall.